In My Dreams
by unnamedconspirator
Summary: As Meredith fades in and out of consciousness in the aftermath of her attack,(12x09) Derek visits her in her dreams. Will be multi chapter.
1. Chapter 1

A Tinny staticy ringing noise filled her ears. Meredith looked around. She was in the lobby. Why was she in the lobby? She noticed something else too... she could breathe. The pain was gone.

''Am I dead?'' Her voice seemed to echo around her.

''No.'' A voice said. A voice she hadn't heard in ages.

She spun around, and saw him. He was seated in a chair, a folder tucked under his arm. His posture was relaxed, his hair perfectly styled, and he had that _look._

"Derek?" His name came out of her lips a strangled cry.

He stood up and grasped her shoulders. She could feel his hands, warm and firm. "It's me."

"How? Wha-" Meredith reached out to affirm. Her hands settled on his chest. It felt _real._ "But..."

"You're dreaming," Derek said softly, "You blacked out, remember?"

Sudden memories surfaced. She had been thrown around the trauma room like a rag doll. She gasped. "I was attacked."

"Yes." Derek said slowly.

"Lou, my patient, he-" She couldn't comprehend it. He hurt her. And it wasn't good.

Derek's head tilted, his expression sad and pained. "I know." He choked. He pulled her into an embrace as she tried to fight the shock. Her head tucked into his neck and she could smell his aftershave.

Then she flinched and grabbed her arm.

"Meredith?"

"I don't know," she said.

Derek looked around, the edges of the lobby were becoming blurry. "You're going to wake up soon."

Meredith shook her head. "No. I want to stay here."

Derek exhaled. "It doesn't work that way."

Pain flared in her side. "Ow."

He held her head in his palms. Her gaze absorbed every feature, from the small scar on his forehead to his slightly crooked nose, to the stubble that framed his face.

"It's going to hurt. A lot." Meredith swallowed.

Derek stroked her cheek, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry."

"Kiss me."

His lips touched hers, soft at first, then firm, she opened up to him and inhaled. It was fire. It was passion. It was exactly as she remembered but more. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing him in.

And then she opened her eyes and the dream was gone. Harsh bright lights- and faces- her friends, colleagues.

And then the pain- it hurt to breathe. Everything hurt- Everywhere. She looked frantically for support, but then realized she couldn't hear, she couldn't speak.

Pain exploded as she was tilted for an X-ray. She was sure she screamed bloody murder.

And then Jackson gripped her jaw. _No. No please... I want to go back. Derek!_


	2. It Hurts

The pain from her jaw disappeared as she blacked out again.

Meredith ran through the empty hospital hallways. She gasped for air. She could _breathe._ Finally. She put a hand to her chest. She trembled, she had to sit down.

"In here." Derek ushered her to the supply closet. She slowly lowered herself to the floor. She could feel him rub her back. She forced herself to look up at him, afraid that he would disappear from view again... but knowing that she would not bear it to _not_ look at him.

"Breathe, Meredith." Derek said, his eyes full of compassion.

"You're here again."

"You almost died today," he said. He lowered himself beside her.

"I almost died today." Meredith repeated, panicking, "It hurt... It- I'm so scared."

"Shhh, it's okay... breathe. Just breathe."

She took several long deep breaths. "I can't.. I don't..."

"Meri?" He held her hand, she squeezed hard, to confirm it was real.

"Why? Why me? Why you? Why do terrible things happen to us all the time?" She leaned on his shoulder.

"...I don't know."

She couldn't see his expression but imagined it to be that sad thoughtful look he gave when he was completely blown away by her vulnerability. Then he sighed. "It took a bomb exploding for me to realize that I couldn't live without you."

"It took an appendix for me to realize I couldn't love anyone else the way I love you."

Derek chuckled, "Really?"

She nodded, "Really."

"I wish I could be there for you in the real world... I don't know how you live without me."

Meredith sniffed. "I don't know either... I just do."

"You're so strong... you'll make it through."

"It hurts... so much."

"What? What hurts?"

She shook her head. He couldn't fix it for her. "Everything, Derek. Everything hurts."

He clutched her and she leaned into him again. The walls were getting blurry. "I'll be here, in your dreams." It was all he could promise.

"Thank you," she sniffed as she pulled away for a minute. Her gaze lowered to his lips, her hand covered his cheek and they kissed a soft sweet kiss. "I'll be okay."

The supply closet faded.

Merideth blinked, and through bleary swollen eyes, saw the familiar faces of Richard, Maggie and Alex. She was too tired to say or do anything. But it felt good to know that in the real world she wasn't alone.


	3. Hear You Say It

Her friend's faces blurred as she succumbed to sleep.

Meredith stood in the middle of the catwalk, looking out at the Seattle skyline. She leaned against the rail, Derek beside her.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked.

She jumped, startled. "I can hear you!" she smiled

"Yeah..." Then his brow furrowed. "Wait... what?"

Meredith sighed. "In the attack... I think I lost my hearing."

"Oh, Mer..."

"It's temporary right?" she asked fearfully

"I don't know."

"Well at least I can hear you." She slipped her arms around him.

"Mmm." He kissed her ear. "Kiss it better?"

She giggled and leaned into him.

"Do you know what happened to you?"

Meredith shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

She flinched with pain.

"Mer?" Derek asked. The skyline was non-existant now and the catwalk was getting shorter.

"I need to hear you say it." Meredith faced him.

He looked at her with that little half smile on his face..."I love you Meredith Grey."

She grinned...

The tinny ringing noise was back, and Meredith was coming back to reality again. Someone was doing something to her arm, and her leg felt funny. She opened her eyes...

xxx

Callie was just too perky for her liking, and the pain was changing from a dull throb to a sharper more insistant bite. She pressed the button and the world clouded over again.

Meredith was lying in a lawn chair on the deck at the dreamhouse. It was a sunny day, and the smell of nail polish lingered.

"You painted your toenails?" Derek asked. He stood in front of her, looking down at her feet, a bottle of beer in his hand.

"I know right? And I was practically naked in that trauma room."

"So everyone saw your painted toenails?" He sipped his beer and peered down again at her toes. Meredith smiled and wiggled them.

"It was Zola's idea."

"Mmm."

"So are you jealous?"

Derek guffawed. "Why would I be jealous?" He sat in the chair next to hers.

"The whole hospital has seen me naked now."

He stroked her hair. "It wouldn't matter, I'm the only one you love."

Meredith sat up a little and pulled her legs up, her knees touching her chest. "My leg is broken, and my arm too. Pretty sure I cracked a couple ribs."

He continued stroking her hair.

"And Penny was there. I think she's going to be assigned to me."

"What do you think about that?" Derek seemed concerned.

"Not like I have any say in the matter, but I don't want to talk about her right now."

"Okay."

An idea occured to Meredith. "I think someone else needs their toenails painted."

Derek swallowed. "Oh no."

Meredith stood up and advanced to his chair.

Derek had his hands in front of him. "I had four sisters, I think they gave me PTSD from pulling stunts like this..."

She grinned. "Really? That's too bad. You and I could have a lot of fun, I got your favorite color..."


	4. Dream-dancing

Meredith woke to activity in her room. Amelia and Richard. Although she couldn't hear what they were saying, she could tell it was a heated exchange. Richard dragged Amelia out of her room, and Richard seemed distraught. Finally he came into her room and looked down at her with a fatherly gaze. Her nerves pricked with pain and she pushed the meds.

The dim lights of Joe's bar reflected off her glass of tequila.

"Single malt scotch please," Derek said.

"You're wearing your red shirt." Meredith commented, tugging on the hem.

"Ah, so I am." He looked down at himself, a little smug.

She sipped her tequila and looked around sighing deeply. "This is nice."

"Mm," Derek said, "How's your pain?"

She glared at him, "Please don't remind me."

"Sorry," he said. He took a sip of his scotch, then looked out to the dance floor. "Dance with me?"

With a small smile on her face, she took his hand as he led her to the floor. "I thought you didn't dance in public..."

"I don't, this isn't in public."

"Hmm," Meredith sighed into his neck, feeling the slight scrape of his stubble. "Dream-dancing."

"Dream-dancing." Derek repeated as they swayed to the beat.

She felt safe in his embrace. "I saw Amelia," she said.

"Is she okay?"

"I think she was drunk. She was in my room... Richard took her out."

"What happened between you?"

Meredith shook her head, "I said things, she said things..."

"Oh Mer."

She simply shrugged. "I don't know what to do with her..."

Derek cupped her chin and tilted it up so she was forced to look into his eyes. "I know you... You'll figure it out."

"It hurts Derek, losing you hurts."

"It hurts Amelia too."

"I know."

"Come on," The beat picked up and Derek led Meredith into a spin. She laughed as she spun and he pulled her into his arms.


	5. A Thing for Ferryboats

Meredith awoke and actually _felt_ better. She was still sore of course, but the fogginess from the pain medication was gone. She opened her eyes and blinked when a bright overhead light assaulted her vision. And she was _moving._ Well her bed was moving...

Alex's concerned face came into her field of vision, and she was happy to see him. He was wearing scrubs and a scrub cap. And they were taking her somewhere... surgery- she was going in for surgery. Her gaze flicked to the left and she saw Owen there too, was he assisting? She didn't know. Alex clutched her hand and said something supportive. Callie's face popped into view all bright and shiny- and she thought she could make out her lips saying "See you in there" She blinked again, anxious and tired and sore, but knowing it was okay... it would be okay. Wilson and an orderly pulled her into OR 1 and angled her bed beside the operating table.

There was jarring pain when they transferred her to the table, but soon enough the anesthesia pulled her back into her dreams.

There was a breeze. She was moving, and there was a slight wind blowing her hair back. She was on the ferry. It was a beautiful blue-sky day and she was on the top deck of the ferryboat, watching the seattle skyline come into view.

Suddenly something warm was in her hands. She looked down and her hands were wrapped around a hot paper cup with a sleeve on it.

"Mocha Latte?" She asked Derek. He was beside her, the wind also ruffling his gorgeous dark locks as he squinted into the horizon.

"Your favorite, isn't it?"

She answered by sipping the chocolatey concoction and smiling.

"I ever tell you I have a thing for Ferryboats?" He asked

 _"All_ the time."

"I don't ever think I told you why..."

Meredith turned around, her back to the railing, looking at Derek sideways with her flirtatious eyes.

His mouth curved as he seemed to fish something out of memory, something he had never told her.

She sipped her mocha latte and pushed her hair out of her face, waiting intently for his answer.

"The day I met you, was the same day I bought the land. I took my first ferry ride in Seattle that day."

"Before the bar?"

"Before I went to the bar."

"Yeah... but why-"

"Do I have a thing for ferryboats?"

Meredith nodded.

"Well, the thing about them is you just get on them- and they take you across the gap. And you don't have to do anything when you get on them, you're traveling, but you don't have to drive, and you can go outside if it's nice out and feel the breeze, and watch as your destination comes into view. It's different from anything else. It's quick, it's a habit everyday..." He looked at her deeply, meaningfully.

Meredith raised her eyebrows, trying to grasp what he was saying, but clearly failing. "Um..."

Derek chuckled and tilted his head, "Well, the thing about you is that you took me across the gap. When I wasn't even trying, and we traveled -granted there was some back and forth- but I was outside and the sun was on my face and I could feel the breeze... and when I was with _you_..." He sighed, "I could see my destination-"

"Oh!" Meredith's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped as she realized what he was implying. "You have a thing for ferryboats! I'm your ferryboat!"

"Mmhmm," Derek replied, nodding.

Meredith pressed close to him, her hands once again on his chest. "Do you want to go for a ride Derek?"


	6. Here, not There

A flash of light. Pain. Her jaw. She reached with clumsy fingers and felt her swollen gums. Her jaw was wired shut. _Crap._ She blinked again at the bright sunshine streaming through her window, then slowly turned her head to take in her surroundings. Again in a hospital room. Bailey, Jackson and Torres were debating her treatment. at least she thought so, Meredith couldn't hear them.

Bailey noticed she was awake and approached the bed. her lips spread in a hopefull smile. "Mer?" She poked Torres and Jackson to get their attention.

Meredith just stared blankly. _What's the point? I can't hear, can't speak._ Torres and Jackson offered sympathetic smiles when she failed to respond, and turned back to the scans on the wall. Bailey sadly turned away too.

But Meredith wanted to see, to know... _What happened to me?_

Oddly it was Blake who would show Meredith her chart.

Jaw dislocation, monteggia fracture, tibia plateau fracture, rib fracture and left lung collapse, tracheal injury... she waved the chart away, and tried to ignore Blake's painful stare.

Meredith looked back through the window... the light streamed on her face, she closed her eyes to reality.

She blinked at the sunlight shining in through the kitchen window. Her _old_ kitchen.

"Good morning," Derek said cheerfully, sauntering into the kitchen. He was wearing sweats, his hair was mussed, and his stubble was just a shade darker than usual.

"Morning," Meredith said, but there was no cheer in her voice.

"You okay?" Derek asked. He reached into the cupboard and grabbed a box of Muesli.

Meredith shrugged and poured a cup of coffee before sitting down at the kitchen table.

Derek poured cereal into his bowl, then reached into the fridge for milk. "There's no milk," He paused, a little deflated, "Mer?"

Meredith just stared, her hands clutching the coffee cup. In the middle of the table was a folder. The same one that was under his arm when she saw him in the lobby.

"Oh," he said.

"That's me... isn't it?" she asked softly, fingering the corner, "That's my chart."

"Mer..."

Her eyes glistened. "Not in Egypt anymore."

Derek started toward her. Meredith got up, knocking the chair over.

"Meredith,"

"No please..."

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's _wrong?"_ her voice cracked. "I can't move. I can't talk. I can't hear... and everybody keeps looking at me like..." She gestured at her husband, "Like that!"

Derek reached for her. Meredith pushed him away, "Don't touch me!"

"I just..." he stammered. He came closer, trying to draw her into a hug.

"No!" Meredith pounded on his chest. "No, stop it!"

Derek only pressed her closer, harder. He was strong and stubborn.

"No...Dammit Derek... I just... you can't... I hate you! Stop it! I hate you!" She squirmed in his arms, but she couldn't stop the tears.

Derek shushed her,but still held her, and they collapsed to the floor. "Why do you hate me?" He whispred.

"I... I keep losing you."

"I'm right here," he said, nuzzling her neck.

"You're here," Meredith sniffed, she released a shaky breath. "You're here, not _there."_

He sighed too.

"I hate you," she squeaked. "And I love you... and I'm all alone. It is just so hard."

Derek wrapped his arms around her waist. "But you're not alone."

Meredith shook her head slowly, she didn't believe him. Sobs racked her body as she curled into him. He used to be everywhere, all the time, saying things. But she lost him. She wiped her eyes, the sunlight was gone, and rain pelted on the window.


	7. Dreamsex

Meredith woke up to see Derek looking at her with his dreamy blue eyes. She was in her bed. Their bed. She rolled over on her side to look at him fully. "Stop looking at me like that," she teased, tracing a line down his bare chest.

"Like what?" he grinned.

"Like you've seen me naked."

"I have seen you naked, you're my wife". He picked up her trailing hand and kissed it.

"Yeah, but it's creepy when I'm sleeping."She pulled her hand away, but her eyes twinkled.

"I can't help it if your snoring wakes me up."

"Oh, so you're gonna blame this on me now..."

Derek leaned in to kiss her. She pushed him back. "Halitosis!"

"What?"

"Go brush your teeth..."

"Mer, I thought we were over this..."

"I'm just pulling your leg. Besides, you should be happy when my snores wake you up. It's good to hear things."

Derek's expression changed, he frowned slightly. "Did your hearing come back?"

Meredith sat up in bed and pulled her knees to her chest, keeping the sheets around her. But she smiled, "Yes."

He let out a breath..."Oh, thank God."

"Halitosis!" Meredith said again, making a face.

"Okay, okay, but come with me..."

Meredith rolled her eyes playfully and they padded to the bathroom. She sat on the toilet while Derek brushed his teeth and shaved. She just liked to watch him. "I miss this," she said sadly.

"Miss what?" Derek asked, making a face in the mirror as he brought the razor down over his upper lip.

"Having a man in the house."

"What about Bailey?"

"Not quite the same. He needs to learn to aim better."

"Oh." Derek rinsed the shaving cream off his face and patted it with a towel. "You know what I miss?"

"What?"

Derek stood in front of her and drew her up to face him. Meredith gazed up at him and bit her lip. He was giving her that look again. She gave him _her_ look, examining every detail, every crack and and crevice..."Shower..." she mumbled, "Let's take a shower."

"Mmm." Derek replied as he leaned in.

Meredith tipped her head up, and Derek's lips met hers. They moaned together softly as they relished the sensation. Still lip locked, Meredith reached for the tap to turn the water on for the shower. "Pants..." she said breathlessly as she untied his pajama bottoms.

"Bra..." Derek undid her bra.

They shed their clothes and stepped into the shower, the water enhancing the experience as they explored each others bodies. Meredith giggled as Derek kissed the nape of her neck, "I can't believe it."

"What?"

"I'm having Dreamsex."

"Mmm, Dreamsex..." Derek repeated, his kissing now reaching her jawline.

She reciprocated, and their lovemaking continued until they were both weak in the knees. Now they rested in the bathtub, having filled it with bubble bath. Derek sat behind Meredith, his arms around her. She leaned into him, feeling so safe in his arms.

"That was good celebrating." Derek said.

"Celebrating?"

"Your hearing came back."

"Yeah..."

"What was it like?"

"It was scary at first, and confusing..." Meredith sighed, "and then it was lonely and frustrating... and you know people forget that just because you can't hear, doesn't mean you can't see."

"Mmm." Derek nodded.

"But it came back."

"What was that like?"

Meredith thought carefully about it. "I didn't even quite realize it myself. I was crying, Alex was there... he made a joke about my snot-"

"You do make a lot of snot when you cry."

"Shut up." But she giggled. "I heard his joke, and I laughed, well sorta, my jaw is still wired shut- and then he noticed, and I noticed, and then it was like this big relief, like I wasn't as screwed up as I thought I was."

"You'll pull through this Mer."

"I know..."

"You know what you need?"

"More Dreamsex." Meredith tilted her head to the side, exposing her neck.

"More Dreamsex," Derek sighed into her.


	8. Here I Come!

"Zola!" Meredith cried in anguish.

"Shhh!" Derek said, putting a finger to his lips.

"Wh-what?" Meredith looked around in confusion. She was in the living room of the dreamhouse. "Derek?" She asked.

"You're dreaming again Mer." Derek whispered.

"Oh. Oh!" She looked around again, it was as she remembered. Large and spacious with warm sunlight filtering in from the skylight. And the toys. Toys of all shapes and sizes scattered the floor. Meredith turned to her husband, her bemused smile growing larger when she saw the tiara crowning his head. "Der, why are you whispering?"

"Shhh, we're playing hide and seek. Help me find the kids." He waved for her to follow him and they tiptoed down the hall. "Ready or not, here we come!"

Derek opened the hallway closet, no kid in there. Meredith slowly cracked open the door to Bailey's room. She peered into it. His racecar bed was empty and too low for anyone to crawl under. She checked behind his dresser, nope. She took a few steps in and headed for the closet. She pressed down on a laundry basket. No kid here. She heard something. A rattle. The toybox. "Ready or not..." Meredith said.

A muffled giggle replied.

Meredith lifted the lid to see her smiling boy crouched among his toys, grinning wildly. She matched his smile with her own. "Found you!" She picked him and lifted him high in the air. He laughed loudly. Meredith carried him into thehallway and was met by Derek who carried a giggling Zola over his shoulder.

"Found her in the bathtub.,"he said.

"Zola!" Meredith greeted.

"Hi mommy," Zola said her voice slightly distorted as Derek bumped her up and down on his shoulder.

"She won't tell me where Ellis is." Derek said.

"Zola, you know what that means..." Meredith teased

Zola shook her head wildly. Bailey laughed and squirmed in Meredith's arms.

"No, mommy!" she shrieked

"Tickle torture!" Derek said, carrying Zola to the couch, where he began to run his fingers in all her ticklish places. "Where's Ellis?"

Zola writhed and laughed. she pushed against her father, trying to fight againt him. Meredith plopped Bailey down beside her and the two of them swarmed Zola too. "No! ah! heehee... ah! Stop it! Hahaha!"

"Where's Ellis?" asked Meredith again.

"Ellis!"Bailey shouted.

"Okay I give up! I give up!" said Zola breathlessly.

When they relented, Zola caught her breath and grabbed Merediths hand. "Over here Mommy.," She led her to the master bedroom. In the middle of the bed was a small lump covered with a blanket.

"Ohh," Derek said coming up behind them. He put his hand on Meredith's shoulder as they walked quietly into the room. The lump moved up and down rythmically.

"Shhh, she's sleeping," Meredith said. All of them approached the bed quietly. Zola climbed up and gently lifted the blanket off. Ellis lay on her back peacefully sucking her thumb. Derek picked up Bailey and the two of them sat on the bed. Meredith crawled beside Zola and Zola leaned into her mom while Bailey clambered on the other side of Meredith and rested his head on her knee. Derek scooted closer to him and stroked Ellis' wispy hair.

Covered in her children, Meredith started to cry.

"Meredith?" Derek asked.

"Oh, I just miss them so much."

"I know," Derek said. "Me too." He held her hand and rubbed it softly.

She swallowed, "You know, they're what get me through. I don't know what I'd do without them."

"They will always love you, Mer."

"I love ya Mommy," Zola said.

"Lub ya," said Bailey.

Ellis softly murmured.

Meredith's eyes shone with unshed tears. "Mommy loves you too."


	9. McDreamy Thing

The water was warm on her fingers. Meredith realized she was in the scrubroom, through the window was the OR, but it was unlit. Her hands automatically went through the routine of scrubbing. It calmed her after her confrontation with Amelia.

The door swung open, "Hey," Derek said as he jaunted in with a cheerful smile. She noticed his ferryboat scub cap and smiled.

"Hi,"she said. She was happy to see him, but her fight with Amelia left her drained.

Derek stood beside her and started to scrub in.

"I threw a smoothie at your sister." Meredith blurted

"Oh?" Derek sounded mildly amused

"She's everywhere, all the time, saying things..."

"That's _my_ thing," Derek said.

"Exactly. _Your_ thing." There was a little tang of anger in her tone.

Derek sighed and turned to lean against the sink. He crossed his arms.

"What?" Meredith snapped.

"What's your problem with Amy?"

Meredith wrapped her arms around herself. What happened to the dreamsex? What happened to giggles and kisses? "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fight with you Derek."

Derek took off his scrubcap and ran a hand through his thick hair. He tilted his head and his mouth curved into a very soft half smile. A plea. "Mer," his smooth hands unwrapped her arms and slid down to her still damp hands. He held her long fingers and squeezed gently.

Meredith swallowed, "I tried. I did. I let her move in with me. I tried to be friends... but she just- she blames me. For you dying, for not calling her when I-" Meredith looked away from her lover, "and then she called me hollow and said _you_ would be disgusted with me," her voice broke. "Why? Why does she say those things?"

"Oh, Mer," Derek pulled her into his embrace as Meredith released a long suffering sub into his shoulder. "Don't you see? All those things... all of that, that's what she says of herself. _She_ blames herself. _She_ feels hollow and thinks that I'm disgusted with her..."

"Transference?" Meredith asked in disbelief. "That's what this whole crappy thing is about? God, why didn't I see it?"

"I think you knew... you were just so busy taking care of other people you never took time to process it."

"Owen," Meredith said. "Stuck my foot in _that_ relationship."

"And there was the kids, and Alex... It's what you do Meredith. You're strong."

Meredith slid to the floor, her hand clutching Derek's scrubs pulling him down with her. He sat beside her holding her hand with both of his. She couldn't speak as her thoughts her going a mile a minute, so silence hung in the air while she collected herself. "I'm not strong... Derek you know me, I put on this brave face. But I'm not strong."

"What?" Derek sounded confused

"You left me... I lost you Derek, for good this time. Worst break-up ever. And it hurts a lot worse than broken bones and a dislocated jaw. I was ripped apart and bleeding on the table. And for a long time, I didn't know how I would make it without you...because you were my strength Derek."

"I was?"

"Urgh! For a brainman you're so clueless!" She ripped her hand out of his and slapped his head. "I pull a bomb out of some guys chest. I drown and come back to life... I operate in the OR with you and that stupid nurse- I stand in front of a freaking madman and his gun... not just for some romeo and juliet crap... but because being with you... you inspire me to become... extraordinary. I wanted you so badly Derek- you were too good for me. I knew it, but you never made me feel like I didn't deserve you. You just did your- McDreamy thing, and I knew I had to figure out what to do to keep you. To keep our marriage together, to keep us happy. That's how I was strong. Because of you."

"And my McDreamy thing?" Derek smirked and waggled his eyebrows

"Oh, so while I pour my heart out to you, all you can think of is dirty sex..." Meredith smiled

"Only since you mentioned my McDreamy thing..."

Meredith's smile grew wider. "You are the worst flirt ever! I was trying to be dramatic with the big speech and the-" Derek reached over and cupped Meredith's face, turning her toward him. He kissed her quickly before she could get another word in.

"Meredith," Derek said when they finally came up for air.

"Derek," She replied breathlessly

" _I_ was the one who didn't deserve you," He said, his breath hot in her ear. "And you... you were extraordinary long before I met you, and you still are."


	10. Seven Letter Word

Cool air conditioned air ruffled her surgical mask. Meredith was now in the OR, hovering with a scalpel over a body. She prepared to make a cut, but stopped. Who was she operating on?

"Hmm," Derek was sitting where the anesthesiologist would be, in his navy blue scrubs and ferryboat scrubcap. He had a crossword puzzle in his hands. "Seven letter word for kiss and make up?"

"What?" Meredith was pulled out of her surgical reverie. She put her scalpel back down on the tray and looked at her husband in all his dreaminess. His hair was a little longer and curlier than she last remembered, and there was just the slightest dab of sweat over his brow. Oh how she missed him.

"Seven letter word for-" He stopped when he saw the sad look in her eyes. "Meredith, what's wrong?"

She pulled the mask down and sighed deeply. "I miss you."

"Mm."

"Amelia reminds me of you, ... she has your eyes."

"Yeah," Derek agreed.

"Richard says I should forgive her." Meredith tapped her fingers on the tray.

"She's trying, you know..." Derek put down the crossword and stood up.

"I'm not good with sisters."

Derek pulled Meredith into a loving embrace. "Yes you are. You warmed up to Lexie, remember?"

"I was thinking about her yesterday... about the plane crash." Meredith rested her head on Derek's shoulder, "God, life is so freakin short!" She sniffed. "Lexie would know how to forgive. She forgave me for being a crappy sister."

"I'm sure she did," Derek smirked.

"She stormed into the bathroom with this big speech after I let Cristina mock her."

"That sounds like her."

Meredith pulled back. "Okay, so what were you asking about before?"

"Oh," Derek picked up the puzzle from the stool. "Seven letter word for 'kiss and make up.'"

"I thought you cheated on crossword puzzles..."

"Mmm, we could do that," He tipped Meredith's head with his thumb and forefinger and leaned in for a kiss.

Their lips met tenderly, and Meredith's whole body was warmed. "I like the kissing part."

"We were always good at that," Derek replied, pulling her in again.

"And the making up part," Meredith mumbled softly as she breathed him in.

"Yeah that too," hummed Derek.

Suddenly Meredith pulled away. "Derek?" Her eyes were soft and pleading, "Do you forgive me?"

Derek looked shocked at the request. "What?"

"I let you go... I told you to go... I-" She swallowed hard.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Meredith, there's nothing for me to forgive."

Meredith looked back at the patient on the table. The patient's face was draped. She looked back at her husband. "Derek, who's on the table?"

Derek put his hands on his hips and sighed sadly. "Mer..."

She had a feeling...

"Meredith," Derek's voice was thick. "What you said before...about you hating me? You meant it didn't you?" The words came out in a strangled sob.

She started to hyperventilate, tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, "I..." Her chest heaved, "I don't mean to..."

"And you hate yourself..." He said softly, "For hating me."

Meredith couldn't answer... she twisted the surgical mask in her hands and looked away from him as her chest heaved.

"It's okay," Derek said. "You were hurt. It's part of the process."

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

He came to the head of the table and slowly pulled the drape off the patient. Meredith gasped. It was herself, unconscious with her hair pulled behind her in a surgical cap and an intubation tube in her mouth.

"Oh..."

Derek took her hand and kissed it. "Thirteen letter phrase for forgive?"

"Huh?"

"Kiss and make up." He enveloped her into his strong arms and kissed her passionately. "We love each other... even when we hate each other."


	11. You Go

The water was cold. It started a few short minutes ago as a trickle, just wetting the bottom of Meredith's shoes, now it was rushing over her chest. She swayed, struggling to keep afloat as it filled the hospital hallway. Suddenly her footing gave way and she was swept along with the current. She struggled, trying to keep her head above water, trying to breathe.

She'd been here before. This was old hat.

BUT Everything has changed.

 _I don't want you dating other people._

 _I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime._

 _I'm just gonna try and trust you...I believe we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart..._

 _I love you Meredith Grey, and I want to spend the rest of my life, with you._

 _Well... we would make pretty babies._

 _You don't get to die on me! I can't live without you!_

 _You... you're everything. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you. I can't live without you._

 _Derek, it's okay. You go. We'll be fine._

Meredith was tired, she tore through the water and gasped for air only to be pulled under again.

 ** _And for a second- just for a second- I thought, what's the point?_**

 _I can live without you...but I don't want to. I don't ever want to._

 _If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too._

Somehow though, she found the strength for another burst- her lungs greedily sucked in air.

 _Like I was drowning and you saved me..._

Now she was saving herself.

 _I got all whole and healed._

But she wasn't alone.

 _It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun._

She crashed against the elevator doors, her hand accidentally pressed the 'up' button and the door opened. The water pushed her inside and suddenly subsided. Meredith lay there, gasping, her scrubs soaking wet, her hair plastered on her white face. But she was breathing. She was breathing and she was safe.

Through her splayed fingers, she could feel the vibration of the elevator as it moved. Slowly she pushed herself up and leaned against the pale pink wall. Unconsciously, she wrapped her arms around herself. Her gaze drifted to the five squares above the door. She swallowed nervously... Where was she going?

 _Ding!_

The doors opened and she closed her eyes, afraid of what was on the other side. There was a pause, a shuffle, and the doors closed again, but the elevator did not move. A familiar scent wafted in the air. Lavender.

And she could feel _him._

She could feel the warmth of his body... he was inches from her. She shivered. Her scrubs were gone, she was wearing something light, and thin. She tucked her chin in and looked down. She recognized it now. That simple black dress she wore at the intern mixer. The dress she wore when she met Derek at the bar.

She also saw his shoes. She looked up slowly, her gaze traveling up his body. She remembered that simple suit jacket and sweater combo he'd worn on the day he proposed. He was holding a potted lavender plant. The same Lou had offered her just this morning. Her gaze continued upward, and she was falling for him all over again.

"I miss you." She said. And then she couldn't stop herself. She pulled him down, her lips crashing on his, their tongues probing, pushing, tasting. The plant crashed at her feet, but she didn't care. She turned him and pushed him against the wall, pressing, wanting, needing. They didn't come up for air. At some point she unbuckled his belt. Clothing came off. Warm rough skin touched her cool smooth body.

He was in her.

They moved, slow. Passionate.

Two parts of the same whole, they moved in sync with each other.

They were connected. In love and hate. In pleasure and pain. Twisty. Shiny. Dark. Bright. They moved faster.

Familiar rhythmic movement became fresh and exciting all over again.

They came together. Finally collapsing to the floor, their bodies and hearts a euphoric mess.

Derek sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. She straddled him, body on body. Her hand on his chest, feeling it move up and down, as he caught his breath.

She didn't move for a long time.

"You're not alone," He said finally. "Out _there._ You're not alone." He brushed hair out of her face and stroked her cheek.

Meredith simply traced the thin white line on his chest.

He sighed and shifted under her until she was beside him. He stood up and offered his hand.

Meredith sighed petulantly, but took his hand.

When she stood up, she was wearing her scrubs and white coat. Derek too. The uniform of a healer. He held her hand and pressed a button on the panel.

The elevator moved and stopped.

Meredith turned to him, slightly panicked. "I'm not ready to for-"

"Shh." He said, placing a finger on her lips. "You'll get ready. Everything will go... the way it goes."

The elevator door opened, and lined against the hallway was all her friends, her family. Alex, Maggie, Richard, Callie, Bailey, Owen, Arizona, April, Jackson, and more, even Amelia. Amelia stepped forward, holding Ellis, and Zola and Bailey squealed upon seeing her in the elevator and dashed forward.

"Meredith," Derek said, "It's okay." He stepped forward, leading her to them. "You go, I'll be fine."

She stumbled forward, bending down to scoop up her children. As she picked up Zola she turned, but the doors were closing.

"Derek-"

"Meredith, I'll always be here, in your dreams."

xxx

Epilogue?


	12. Lay Down Beside You

Meredith tucked Zola and Bailey into bed and kissed them on their foreheads. Baby Ellis was already deep asleep when she checked in on her. She closed the door and limped downstairs, carrying the baby monitor. Her half sister Maggie idly flicked channels on the television.

"Hey," Meredith said.

"Oh hey, have a good time with the kids?"

"Yeah, can you watch the kids for awhile... I have a thing." She put the monitor on the coffee table

Maggie looked up, a tinge of concern on her features. "Sure Mer, everything okay?"

She nodded. "I'm okay."

"Okay," Maggie smiled.

Before she left she picked up Derek's old blanket and limped out the door with her cane.

xxx

It was their spot. A beautiful view of the city and the coming and going of the ferryboats.

She wrapped herself in the blanket and dozed.

xxx

"It's intense... this thing I have for ferryboats." Derek sat beside her on the ground in a thick leather jacket and off white corded sweater.

"Really," Meredith chuckled.

"Really." He grinned at her.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out Amelia's chip. "Thirty days..."

"She's trying."

"I know... I'm trying too."

"Mm." Derek pecked her on the cheek.

A soft cool breeze skirted through and Meredith pulled the blanket closer to her.

"You still have that thing?" Derek fingered the material. "I don't know why I kept it," Derek said. "Color is all wrong, it's not warm, and it's scratchy."

"Seriously?" She hated the blanket. She only brought it because it reminded her of Derek, and now he was saying he didn't like it?

"Seriously. You know, I think I got it when you gave me Doc. I used to lay it on the deck for him. He loved it."

"This is Doc's blanket?"

"Mmhmm."

"But you kept it. You didn't like it, but you kept it."

He shrugged. "Guess I just couldn't get rid of it."

Meredith shook her head, a small smile on her face. It was Doc's blanket. And he kept it. "I love you."

"I love you."

She rested her head on Derek's shoulder and they watched as a ferryboat docked. The night was so clear and the air was invigorating. City lights sparkled in the reflection of the water.

Derek sighed. "Hang on," he said. He pulled the blanket off her shoulders and set it beside him. Then he shuffled next to her as close as he could. "Lie down," He said. She complied and lay on her side. Derek spooned her, and pulled the blanket over the both of them.

Meredith reached for his hand, entwined her fingers with his. She kissed his thumb and sighed."You were right, I'm not alone. I have a whole village."

"Mm."

"And I have you," she said, surprised at the tear that pricked in her eye. "In My Dreams."

xxx

 _Fin_

A/N Most of the locations in this story were inspired by actual scenes or objects from old episodes. Read it again and you'll see... or PM me and I'll be happy to share my inspiration.


End file.
